Caught in the Catfish's Net: When to Seek Therapy for Deceptive Online Relationships
I’ve been conned, scammed, and catfished. Should I see a therapist?
Introduction
You have been catfished. Your online friend or partner suddenly disappeared, and all their social media accounts were deleted. The person you thought was your friend had lied about everything from their name to where they lived. This has been a difficult time and you are not sure what should be done next. Should you see a therapist?
What is catfishing?
In terms of romance scams, a catfish is a word generally used for someone who develops an online identity that hides the truth about himself or herself. Some catfish create extensive fake online identities designed to lure innocent victims into a romantic relationship.
Some research suggests the original term catfish, in terms of trickery, was coined by Henry W. Nevinson in his 2004 published work named Essays in Rebellion.[1] In the essay entitled The Catfish, Nevinson talks about the old steam-trawlers that transported cod in small tanks over vast distances on the ocean. The fishermen realized the challenge they repeatedly faced: when they arrived at their destination, the cod were mushy and lethargic. A clever fisherman deduced that the cod were lethargic because they were so content in the tanks housing them on the steam-trawlers. This fisherman placed a catfish in each tank as an experiment. Suddenly, the cod arrived at the destination ports in a lively and firm condition. The resulting theory was the presence of the catfish kept the cod in a lively environment where they did not get bored. The presence of a predator kept them active.
In 2010, Nev Schulman released a documentary, which later became a series named “Catfish,” about a woman he met and fell in love with on Facebook. When he went to meet the person he thought of as the single 19-year old Megan, he actually found a married 40-year old woman named Angela. Nev interviewed Michelle’s husband, Vince Pierce, for the show and he told Nev the story about the catfish in the cod tanks. He said there are some people who are catfish in real life and that he thanked God for them. Otherwise, life would get dull and boring.
I’m not sure most victims of catfishing would agree with that theory. In one of the most famous catfishing cases, former Notre Dame linebacker, Manti Te’o publicly mourned the death of his girlfriend in the fall of 2012. He had developed deep feelings for her during their online dating relationship. But after the devastation of her sudden death, Manti found out she never existed to begin with. He was disgusted and mortified by the experience.
The use of dating apps has soared in recent years for many reasons. Also during the pandemic, the use of dating apps skyrocketed because we couldn’t see people in person for so long but still had a desperate need to connect with others. This situation created numerous opportunities for scammers.
There are several warning signs that should cause red flags to appear when they arise.
When your date -
Professes love very quickly
Says they are a U.S. citizen abroad for business or military purposes
Lures you off the dating site early on in your relationship
Asks for money at any time
Plans to visit or video chat but always delays due to last minute schedule changes
Asks for personal information like banking or credit cards
Expert Insights: I asked Kim Lambert, a licensed anxiety, depression, and trauma-focused therapist in New Jersey, for some thoughts on this topic (please see her complete bio at the end of this post). Here’s her advice:
“My advice to people venturing into the world of online dating is to trust your gut. When you have an instinctual feeling that something is “off” or doesn’t feel quite right, it’s important to listen to that voice. I call it our “internal resource” or, in simple terms, our “uh oh” feeling.
The problem is that often times people don’t want to listen to that voice for many reasons. It would entail having to make a decision to leave the person, terminate the relationship, or not get involved at all. By ignoring our gut instinct, we can hold onto (false) hope and prevent ourselves from short term disappointment, but the long term effects can be devastating.
I’ve met many people throughout my career in tumultuous marriages who knew in their gut they should not get married. Those who ignored that feeling (because they didn’t want to disappoint others) endured decades of regret.
When it comes to online dating, ignoring your gut instinct can have serious repercussions. Be aware of your inner voice and trust yourself. It’s better to err on the side of caution than to have devastating consequences.”
How does it affect people?
You may have experienced a range of emotions if you've been catfished. These can include anger, sadness, and even guilt. You may feel like you should have known better and that somehow this was your fault. If the person who's been catfishing you is someone close to you (like a friend or family member), it may be hard not to take their actions personally.
This type of deception can also affect the way people view themselves in terms of appearance (for instance if someone has been told they are rich or famous) and ability (for example if someone has been told they are intelligent). It can be especially damaging when these notions are reinforced over time by multiple people who lie about knowing each other in order for them all to meet up at some point in time without ever actually meeting face-to-face before then!
Ensure Mental Health Awareness
Being a victim of crime can have a profound impact on an individual's physical and psychological well-being. Whether it's stalking, harassment, theft, assault, or other serious offenses, victims of crime often face severe physical and emotional trauma that can have long-lasting effects.
When someone experiences a traumatic event, their brain and body undergo a significant physiological response, often referred to as the "fight, flight or freeze" response. This response is a survival mechanism designed to protect individuals from danger. However, when this response is activated frequently or for prolonged periods of time, it can result in a number of physical and psychological symptoms.
Physical Symptoms of Crime Victims
Victims of crime often experience a range of physical symptoms in the aftermath of a traumatic event. These symptoms can vary depending on the type of crime and the severity of the trauma. Some common physical symptoms include:
1. Chronic Pain
Chronic pain is a common symptom experienced by many crime victims, particularly those who have suffered physical injuries. Pain can be persistent and debilitating, making it difficult for individuals to carry out daily tasks and affecting their quality of life.
2. Sleep Disturbances
Sleep disturbances, such as insomnia and nightmares, are common among crime victims. These disturbances can be caused by the trauma itself, as well as the stress and anxiety that often accompany it.
3. Fatigue
Fatigue is another common physical symptom experienced by crime victims. This can be caused by a number of factors, including the stress and anxiety of the traumatic event, as well as the physical toll of injuries sustained.
Psychological Symptoms of Crime Victims
In addition to physical symptoms, crime victims often experience a range of psychological symptoms in the aftermath of a traumatic event. These symptoms can be just as debilitating as physical symptoms and can have a significant impact on an individual's daily life. Some common psychological symptoms include:
1. Anxiety
Anxiety is a common symptom experienced by crime victims. This can include feelings of nervousness, fear, and apprehension, as well as physical symptoms such as a racing heart and rapid breathing.
2. Depression
Depression is another common psychological symptom experienced by crime victims. This can include feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and loss of interest in daily activities.
3. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
PTSD is a severe psychological condition that can develop in individuals who have experienced a traumatic event. Symptoms of PTSD can include flashbacks, nightmares, avoidance of triggers, and hyper-arousal.
4. Loss of Self-Esteem
Many crime victims blame themselves for becoming the victim of a crime. Sometimes an individual believes they have somehow caused the traumatic events; however, the victim is never to blame.
What do I do now?
Take time to grieve.
Talk to someone you trust.
Don't blame yourself for what happened.
Talk to a therapist when you've been catfished if you feel it may help. This could actually be one of the best ways you can take care of yourself right now.
Report the scam. We have a comprehensive article, janexfbi.com/resources, on our blog with explicit instructions about reporting scams and crime.
Should you see a therapist?
Therapy can help you work through your feelings and understand why you were catfished. It can also help you figure out if this is a pattern in your life, or if there are other issues in your life that may have contributed to being catfished. If therapy feels right for you, it's worth considering as one option for moving forward after being catfished.
I have been catfished and I don't know what to do next.
The most important thing to remember is that you are not alone. Catfishing is a form of online deception, and it can happen to anyone. The person you are talking to may be using a fake picture and name or even a fake profile to get money from you. Your relationship with them will never be what they said it was going to be--and this can feel like an awful betrayal, especially if your feelings have been hurt by this person's lies.
But here's the good news: You don't have anything left in common with this person anymore because they aren't really who they say they are! If someone I suspect is a scammer treats me like I'm worthless just because I'm overweight (or too old, or too …, fill in the blank), then we don't share any values or interests anymore; therefore, our friendship doesn't mean anything anymore either because there isn't anything “real” between us anyway.
Conclusion
I hope this blog post has been helpful for you in deciding whether or not to see a therapist. If you have been catfished and feel like your life is falling apart, please don't hesitate to reach out. We are here for you!
If you feel it’s right for you, please read more about this subject and how to learn about dating safety on our website: janexfbi.com. Also, watch for our exciting upcoming announcement about the opening of our new online course, The Dating Safety Bootcamp, which will be launching early next year!!!
Please contact me with any questions and/or for more information.
[1] https://www.gutenberg.org/files/11079/11079-h/11079-h.htm#RULE4_
Kim Lambert began her career over 28 years ago as a crisis intervention specialist in a hospital, working with children who had experienced trauma. When she began to notice a pattern of re-hospitalization after the children were successfully discharged, she realized the importance of working with the entire family in order to make lasting changes.
It was then that her passion for counseling grew and she began her journey to what she believes is her true calling. She has worked with individuals of all ages in a wide variety of settings and has had the privilege to witness life-changing transformations in those with whom she has worked.
Kim currently owns and operates a successful private practice, serving clients in New Jersey and South Carolina.
Specialties: * Licensed in New Jersey, South Carolina, and Virginia * National Board Certified School Counselor (NBCT) * NJ School Social Worker * Anxiety, depression, and trauma-focused therapist.